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4 Things For Her to Know When He's Looking at Porn

Uncategorized Nov 20, 2020

(See accompanying podcast Episode 48: Four Things to Know When He's Looking at Porn)

When us guys look at porn, our wives often take it very personally.

Believe it or not, her reaction is not your fault. You might think this idea is cold and uncaring. But it’s the opposite.

Owning your stuff and letting her own hers is one of the most caring things you can do for you, for her, and for your marriage. Even if part of that means, she’s very upset.

When you tell her you’ve been looking at porn, she might take it very personally.

She might make it mean:

  • He wouldn’t need that if I was enough.
  • If I put out more, he wouldn’t turn to porn.
  • Maybe I don’t look good enough to him for him to stay interested.

She might think it is her fault in some ways.

The way she experiences her natural reaction, she might feel like she’s going a little crazy.

When you don’t change immediately, and just swear off porn for good (we all know it’s not quite as simple as that), she and you wonder if things can ever get better.

The truth is:

  • She is enough.
  • You looking at porn has nothing to do with her.
  • She is not crazy.
  • Things can get better for her even before you noticeably change (whether or not you ever change).

Better Coming From Someone Else?

For some women, hearing these things directly from you isn’t always their favorite.

If that’s the case, they can take it from my wife, Lindsay, another woman who has gone through this.

She and I talk about it in this podcast.

Lindsay Gets It

She is a coach. She used this coaching method to take incredible steps to heal, even before she knew if I’d really be able to change.

She coaches women on this. Lindsay helps women turn a seemingly impossible situation into a major step forward in their life.

Bursting through limiting beliefs that already existed. That would have come up in some other way for them even if you never looked at porn.

Rather than self-suppression, allowing her true self to come through more.

Empowering her in her marriage relationship in ways she didn’t know were possible. This is good thing. For both of you.

Our Timeline Might Surprise You

Lindsay and I both did therapy.

She switched to get coaching (in this particular method).

I saw the drastic impact.

Then I switched to get coaching. That’s what got me unstuck with porn.

The rest is history.

Sometimes her getting coaching can even come before you getting coaching and can be a very good thing. Imagine that!

The point is, neither of you have to wait on the other person in order to create new amazing results for yourself.

It's time to stop using that as a reason not to get yourself the help you deserve.

 The Over-Blame-Game

When we let her stuff be her stuff, and don’t play the over-blame-ourselves game, it allows us to show up in an even more supportive, empowered, caring way.

So many guys have years of practicing the over-blame approach (in both directions).

Having a coach to help you unwind these patterns and create new ones is exactly what some people need. I know I did. Talk about blind spots!

It's very normal to have blindspots when it comes to your own brain. That's part of why having a coach is so valuable.

 


If you want help unwinding these patterns and identifying your blindspots, schedule a free consult with me right now. It’s time.

You can learn to make your real life experience so good (including the positive and the negative) that porn becomes irrelevant.

In the consult, I’ll take you through a process that will help you know even more what you want for you, whether that’s coaching with me or not.

Let’s do it.

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