As members of the Church of Jesus Christ, we gather twice per year, worldwide, to listen to church leaders share messages.
We call it General Conference ("conference" for short). It can be an awesome experience.
If you're like me, watching General Conference has not always been the easiest or most positive thing.
I know I'm no the only one.
If this describes you too, it's okay to admit this. There's nothing wrong with you.
My relationship with conference has changed over the years and has gone something like this:
Client Success Stories!!!
First of all, when I look at how coaching has affected my life, and really look at where I was a few years back compared to now, I'm still a bit shocked and I'm SO grateful.
Second, I love watching my clients experience that impact in their own lives. I mean, does it get any better as a coach!
Who doesn't like winning, right?
With their permission, I'm sharing a few of their accounts with you here.
"My biggest challenge was not being able to process the urge to look at pornography and pornography made me feel shame.
After working with Danny, I was able to process urges much better as well as eliminate the shame associated with the urges. I now have my own back.
Do it. Danny is an excellent coach. He knows his stuff and can help you through any challenge you bring up."
"I became very cognizant of negative frames that I had of myself. Generally feel that I’m totally in control of my feelings...
Did you know I can predict the future? Well, here's what's coming.
That men throughout the world will have the amount of control they want to have when it comes to porn.
That men will see and understand how much more satisfying, enriching, and sustaining life without porn is.
That learning to control your use of porn becomes a rite of passage for men.
That no matter how loud the porn industry screams, no matter how much they give away, men will know that they, themselves have the power. And that porn itself has no power.
That when men hear the word “pornography,” rather than be filled with shame/regret/embarrassment/avoidance, their bodies will experience sweeping feelings of pride, power, gratitude, confidence, love, strength, openness, and resolve.
That men who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be the experts on how to not look at porn. That if a priesthood holder wants to keep porn out of his life, he will have the tools and...
What if you just decided:
I'm not having it anymore. I'm done.
It's time to take the next seriously helpful step in overcoming my problem.
I'm tired of losing. It's time to win. I'll lose some games during the season, sure. But I'm playing for the championship. I can handle some hiccups along the way.
Is failing in the past, even numerous times, really a reason to stop? You might think it is, but I don't. I refuse to accept that idea.
Here's what I think: you are worth never giving up on. You can argue with me on it, but you're wrong. So back off!
And while we're at it, these 2 enemies can back off too!!!
There is a billion dollar porn industry that spends millions to propagate disempowering ideas to men that we "need" porn and we can't go without "sex" or control our urges.
Do you want to let them infiltrate your mind? Or do you want to access and cultivate your internal strength, power, pride?
Opt in to mind control? Or be the master of your own destiny?
This thought may be familiar to you:
I should have known better.
Some of us have maybe even accidentally let it become part of our identity.
Turns out, our wives do it too. Particularly when we've kept porn a secret from her and then we tell her. She will often think the same exact thing:
I should have known better.
She may feel betrayed. Or that she was duped.
Whether it's her thinking it or you, it's all based on the idea that you should have done it differently than you chose to do it.
This idea seems helpful. It seems like it will help you to not do it again and to make better decisions in the future.
Time for a reality check.
When we bash ourselves for decisions we made in the past, we can unknowingly extinguish the confidence and trust in ourselves that we could be accessing now.
Confidence and trust that would help you make better decisions now and in the future.
We expect to be duped again.
We buy into the idea...
Looking at porn is a quick, easy way to get a big dopamine hit that tricks our brains into thinking it accomplished something important to our survival.
Often times, when guys want to learn to stop looking at porn, they want to take this same approach.
Where's the magic pill that makes my desire for porn go away?
If I had it, I would have taken it years ago. And I'd be selling it for millions of dollars right now.
But if we use the same quick/easy approach in our efforts to quit porn, we'll just keep turning to porn.
To quit porn, you need to learn to play the long game. You need to be willing to let it get harder before it gets easier.
You need to be willing to:
Let's talk about both of these.
First of all, let's appreciate that part of your brain is designed to shy away from discomfort.
Also, many of us have learned to avoid negative emotions. We’ve even been taught this at times.
Before we start...
So you want to stop looking at porn but you don't know how.
Let's go over what we're going for here.
I like to think of this as a skill you just haven't learned yet.
It's like shooting a jump shot in basketball. If someone just threw you on the court without any guidance, you'd be running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Even if you've seen someone shoot before, you're not just going to dive in and have the proper form right away.
If you've done it for years without proper form, you might have some habits that interfere with that pure shooting form you're going for.
All of the most skilled basketball players have had lots of one on one coaching from someone with experience.
Someone who can notice things more easily about their form and point it out. Providing a new level of awareness that allows the athlete to tweak...
What and how we anticipate matters.
The wanting-centers of the brain are much bigger than the liking-centers.
With something like porn, which is a man-made, concentrated version of sex, here's how it works. With repeated exposure, we want porn more and more and we enjoy it less and less. Increased cravings, decreased enjoyment.
So the anticipation of an experience can create more intense sensations than the actual experiencing of it.
I believe it works in the opposite direction too. Example: you can anticipate publicly speaking in the worst way, and then you get up there and the experience isn't that bad.
Pre-traumatic stress is the way humans can traumatize themselves with anticipation of an upcoming event, real or imagined.
If anticipating failing in the future to stick to your porn goals feels worse than the actual failing, you can see...
Being more excited about the future than the past used to come so much more naturally, right?
When the future is no longer exciting, let's be honest - it's a bummer!
All you need to do is learn how to create this mindset intentionally for yourself.
Start today by reading these steps.
It’s 50/50 here and 50/50 there. Tell yourself:
I am meant to experience negative/uncomfortable emotions half the time and positive/comfortable emotions half the time.
You are already 100% worthy. Stop spending time trying to prove your worth.
Start making your decisions as though you are already 100% worthy as a human.
Always have been. Always will be.
If you don't take care of yourself now, this signals to yourself that it will be like this in the future.
Many of you read these posts for different reasons.
What is your reason? Why are you here reading this?
I know a lot of people look at these posts.
But I want to know about you. As an individual.
Really I do.
I want you guys to blow up my inbox.
Don't worry. It's just between you and me.
I get it. And I've got you.
My email address: firstname.lastname@example.org