(See accompanying podcast Episode 48: Four Things to Know When He's Looking at Porn)
When us guys look at porn, our wives often take it very personally.
Believe it or not, her reaction is not your fault. You might think this idea is cold and uncaring. But it’s the opposite.
Owning your stuff and letting her own hers is one of the most caring things you can do for you, for her, and for your marriage. Even if part of that means, she’s very upset.
When you tell her you’ve been looking at porn, she might take it very personally.
She might make it mean:
She might think it is her fault in some ways.
The way she experiences her natural reaction, she might feel like she’s going a little crazy.
When you don’t change immediately, and just swear off porn for good (we all know it’s not quite...
Here's something I've been working on lately. Even though I've gone without porn for a while now, I still experience urges to look at porn.
In Allen Carr's easy way to stop smoking, he says: "Don't try not to think about smoking or worry that you are thinking about it constantly. But whenever you do think about it - whether it be today, tomorrow or the rest of your life - think, 'YIPPEE! I'M A NON-SMOKER!'"
He says to never doubt your decision to stop smoking and to only rejoice over the decision, never mourn. If you see others doing it, instead of thinking "lucky them," or "I'm missing out," pity them, says Mr. Carr.
You can even think this way while having an urge, believe it or not.
So I've been practicing this. And I was surprised to see what came up.
When you make a decision, regularly 2nd guessing it doesn't help you to follow through with it. I decided for me a long time ago that I don't want porn in my life.
And this year, at a new level,...
The way we motivate ourselves is important.
Because we have all these things that we want to do or feel like we need to do.
Some ways discourage you so much you don’t even start.
Some ways are effective in helping you perform at a certain level, but you feel hurried and a bit miserable along the way (I’ve just gotta get through this quick).
Or you get into the hustle-burnout-hustle-burnout cycle that isn’t as consistent or sustainable as you’d like it to be.
And, believe it or not, there are ways to motivate yourself that are more consistent, sustainable, and enjoyable.
A means of motivation I notice a lot of my clients using is this idea that they are deficient in some way.
They believe that they are:
We do this in different areas.:
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ, we gather twice per year, worldwide, to listen to church leaders share messages.
We call it General Conference ("conference" for short). It can be an awesome experience.
If you're like me, watching General Conference has not always been the easiest or most positive thing.
I know I'm no the only one.
If this describes you too, it's okay to admit this. There's nothing wrong with you.
My relationship with conference has changed over the years and has gone something like this:
Client Success Stories!!!
First of all, when I look at how coaching has affected my life, and really look at where I was a few years back compared to now, I'm still a bit shocked and I'm SO grateful.
Second, I love watching my clients experience that impact in their own lives. I mean, does it get any better as a coach!
Who doesn't like winning, right?
With their permission, I'm sharing a few of their accounts with you here.
"My biggest challenge was not being able to process the urge to look at pornography and pornography made me feel shame.
After working with Danny, I was able to process urges much better as well as eliminate the shame associated with the urges. I now have my own back.
Do it. Danny is an excellent coach. He knows his stuff and can help you through any challenge you bring up."
"I became very cognizant of negative frames that I had of myself. Generally feel that I’m totally in control of my feelings...
Did you know I can predict the future? Well, here's what's coming.
That men throughout the world will have the amount of control they want to have when it comes to porn.
That men will see and understand how much more satisfying, enriching, and sustaining life without porn is.
That learning to control your use of porn becomes a rite of passage for men.
That no matter how loud the porn industry screams, no matter how much they give away, men will know that they, themselves have the power. And that porn itself has no power.
That when men hear the word “pornography,” rather than be filled with shame/regret/embarrassment/avoidance, their bodies will experience sweeping feelings of pride, power, gratitude, confidence, love, strength, openness, and resolve.
That men who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be the experts on how to not look at porn. That if a priesthood holder wants to keep porn out of his life, he will have the tools and...
What if you just decided:
I'm not having it anymore. I'm done.
It's time to take the next seriously helpful step in overcoming my problem.
I'm tired of losing. It's time to win. I'll lose some games during the season, sure. But I'm playing for the championship. I can handle some hiccups along the way.
Is failing in the past, even numerous times, really a reason to stop? You might think it is, but I don't. I refuse to accept that idea.
Here's what I think: you are worth never giving up on. You can argue with me on it, but you're wrong. So back off!
And while we're at it, these 2 enemies can back off too!!!
There is a billion dollar porn industry that spends millions to propagate disempowering ideas to men that we "need" porn and we can't go without "sex" or control our urges.
Do you want to let them infiltrate your mind? Or do you want to access and cultivate your internal strength, power, pride?
Opt in to mind control? Or be the master of your own destiny?
This thought may be familiar to you:
I should have known better.
Some of us have maybe even accidentally let it become part of our identity.
Turns out, our wives do it too. Particularly when we've kept porn a secret from her and then we tell her. She will often think the same exact thing:
I should have known better.
She may feel betrayed. Or that she was duped.
Whether it's her thinking it or you, it's all based on the idea that you should have done it differently than you chose to do it.
This idea seems helpful. It seems like it will help you to not do it again and to make better decisions in the future.
Time for a reality check.
When we bash ourselves for decisions we made in the past, we can unknowingly extinguish the confidence and trust in ourselves that we could be accessing now.
Confidence and trust that would help you make better decisions now and in the future.
We expect to be duped again.
We buy into the idea...
Looking at porn is a quick, easy way to get a big dopamine hit that tricks our brains into thinking it accomplished something important to our survival.
Often times, when guys want to learn to stop looking at porn, they want to take this same approach.
Where's the magic pill that makes my desire for porn go away?
If I had it, I would have taken it years ago. And I'd be selling it for millions of dollars right now.
But if we use the same quick/easy approach in our efforts to quit porn, we'll just keep turning to porn.
To quit porn, you need to learn to play the long game. You need to be willing to let it get harder before it gets easier.
You need to be willing to:
Let's talk about both of these.
First of all, let's appreciate that part of your brain is designed to shy away from discomfort.
Also, many of us have learned to avoid negative emotions. We’ve even been taught this at times.
Before we start...
So you want to stop looking at porn but you don't know how.
Let's go over what we're going for here.
I like to think of this as a skill you just haven't learned yet.
It's like shooting a jump shot in basketball. If someone just threw you on the court without any guidance, you'd be running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Even if you've seen someone shoot before, you're not just going to dive in and have the proper form right away.
If you've done it for years without proper form, you might have some habits that interfere with that pure shooting form you're going for.
All of the most skilled basketball players have had lots of one on one coaching from someone with experience.
Someone who can notice things more easily about their form and point it out. Providing a new level of awareness that allows the athlete to tweak...