If an urge comes and all you do is resist it, your willpower will deplete. Then you will end up looking at porn and rewarding your brain for this pattern. The same thing over and again.
Urge comes -> resist with willpower -> willpower runs out -> give in to urge (look at porn) -> reward yourself for resisting the urge.
It doesn’t work in the long run.
I love basketball. I love to watch it, play it, talk about it. Whether they’re good or bad, I watch most of the Utah Jazz games, and have for years. I am truly an all-weather fan.
So I’m going to use a basketball metaphor to help teach about managing urges in a way that is effective in the long run.
In basketball, there is something called posting up. When you post up you are on offense, you have the ball in your hands, you have your back to the basket, and you are close to the basket.
There are several options from posting up that can put you in a good position to...
Money goals are like porn goals.
I'm sharing with you some lessons I took from 2020.
Our relationship with money has everything to do with our thoughts about money.
I hired a coach to work on money beliefs in a big way in 2020.
“Once I make $X amount of money, I’ll be enough.”
“Once I have $X amount of savings, I’ll be enough.”
“Once I am out of student loan debt, I’ll be enough.”
“Once I grow my business to $X in a year, I’ll be enough.”
“Once I stop looking at porn, I’ll be enough.”
“Once he stops looking at porn, I’ll be enough.”
Developing the belief in your “enough-ness” regardless of the circumstances of money in your life. That’s what propels you toward your money goals.
Even though I hit my financial goal for the year last week, it didn’t...
Many people turn to things like porn when they aren't managing their emotions.
And the holidays, for many of us, give people plenty of opportunities to either manage or not manage their emotions.
Not because the holidays cause feelings. Not because our family members have the power to cause feelings in us.
Because feelings are caused by thoughts. Our own thoughts.
And because many of us have all sorts of thoughts about holidays.
Some of them are helpful thoughts. Others not so much. But all of them are human thoughts.
There were a few years of anniversaries and valentine's days where I just didn't do anything.
The expectations, that I thought came from other people but ultimately came from my own mind. I thought they were too much for me to handle.
And Christmas time? Trying to get through all that, keeping everybody happy and enjoying myself? Forget it. It felt impossible.
I would often look at porn during these times, or in...
(See accompanying podcast Episode 48: Four Things to Know When He's Looking at Porn)
When us guys look at porn, our wives often take it very personally.
Believe it or not, her reaction is not your fault. You might think this idea is cold and uncaring. But it’s the opposite.
Owning your stuff and letting her own hers is one of the most caring things you can do for you, for her, and for your marriage. Even if part of that means, she’s very upset.
When you tell her you’ve been looking at porn, she might take it very personally.
She might make it mean:
She might think it is her fault in some ways.
The way she experiences her natural reaction, she might feel like she’s going a little crazy.
When you don’t change immediately, and just swear off porn for good (we all know it’s not quite...
Here's something I've been working on lately. Even though I've gone without porn for a while now, I still experience urges to look at porn.
In Allen Carr's easy way to stop smoking, he says: "Don't try not to think about smoking or worry that you are thinking about it constantly. But whenever you do think about it - whether it be today, tomorrow or the rest of your life - think, 'YIPPEE! I'M A NON-SMOKER!'"
He says to never doubt your decision to stop smoking and to only rejoice over the decision, never mourn. If you see others doing it, instead of thinking "lucky them," or "I'm missing out," pity them, says Mr. Carr.
You can even think this way while having an urge, believe it or not.
So I've been practicing this. And I was surprised to see what came up.
When you make a decision, regularly 2nd guessing it doesn't help you to follow through with it. I decided for me a long time ago that I don't want porn in my life.
And this year, at a new level,...
The way we motivate ourselves is important.
Because we have all these things that we want to do or feel like we need to do.
Some ways discourage you so much you don’t even start.
Some ways are effective in helping you perform at a certain level, but you feel hurried and a bit miserable along the way (I’ve just gotta get through this quick).
Or you get into the hustle-burnout-hustle-burnout cycle that isn’t as consistent or sustainable as you’d like it to be.
And, believe it or not, there are ways to motivate yourself that are more consistent, sustainable, and enjoyable.
A means of motivation I notice a lot of my clients using is this idea that they are deficient in some way.
They believe that they are:
We do this in different areas.:
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ, we gather twice per year, worldwide, to listen to church leaders share messages.
We call it General Conference ("conference" for short). It can be an awesome experience.
If you're like me, watching General Conference has not always been the easiest or most positive thing.
I know I'm no the only one.
If this describes you too, it's okay to admit this. There's nothing wrong with you.
My relationship with conference has changed over the years and has gone something like this:
Client Success Stories!!!
First of all, when I look at how coaching has affected my life, and really look at where I was a few years back compared to now, I'm still a bit shocked and I'm SO grateful.
Second, I love watching my clients experience that impact in their own lives. I mean, does it get any better as a coach!
Who doesn't like winning, right?
With their permission, I'm sharing a few of their accounts with you here.
"My biggest challenge was not being able to process the urge to look at pornography and pornography made me feel shame.
After working with Danny, I was able to process urges much better as well as eliminate the shame associated with the urges. I now have my own back.
Do it. Danny is an excellent coach. He knows his stuff and can help you through any challenge you bring up."
"I became very cognizant of negative frames that I had of myself. Generally feel that I’m totally in control of my feelings...
Did you know I can predict the future? Well, here's what's coming.
That men throughout the world will have the amount of control they want to have when it comes to porn.
That men will see and understand how much more satisfying, enriching, and sustaining life without porn is.
That learning to control your use of porn becomes a rite of passage for men.
That no matter how loud the porn industry screams, no matter how much they give away, men will know that they, themselves have the power. And that porn itself has no power.
That when men hear the word “pornography,” rather than be filled with shame/regret/embarrassment/avoidance, their bodies will experience sweeping feelings of pride, power, gratitude, confidence, love, strength, openness, and resolve.
That men who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be the experts on how to not look at porn. That if a priesthood holder wants to keep porn out of his life, he will have the tools and...
What if you just decided:
I'm not having it anymore. I'm done.
It's time to take the next seriously helpful step in overcoming my problem.
I'm tired of losing. It's time to win. I'll lose some games during the season, sure. But I'm playing for the championship. I can handle some hiccups along the way.
Is failing in the past, even numerous times, really a reason to stop? You might think it is, but I don't. I refuse to accept that idea.
Here's what I think: you are worth never giving up on. You can argue with me on it, but you're wrong. So back off!
And while we're at it, these 2 enemies can back off too!!!
There is a billion dollar porn industry that spends millions to propagate disempowering ideas to men that we "need" porn and we can't go without "sex" or control our urges.
Do you want to let them infiltrate your mind? Or do you want to access and cultivate your internal strength, power, pride?
Opt in to mind control? Or be the master of your own destiny?