How Money Goals Are Related to Porn: There is Not Better Than Here (Lessons From 2020)
Money goals are like porn goals.
I'm sharing with you some lessons I took from 2020.
Our relationship with money has everything to do with our thoughts about money.
I hired a coach to work on money beliefs in a big way in 2020.
Have you ever thought:
“Once I make $X amount of money, I’ll be enough.”
“Once I have $X amount of savings, I’ll be enough.”
“Once I am out of student loan debt, I’ll be enough.”
“Once I grow my business to $X in a year, I’ll be enough.”
We do this with porn too:
“Once I stop looking at porn, I’ll be enough.”
“Once he stops looking at porn, I’ll be enough.”
We got this backwards. With money and porn.
Developing the belief in your “enough-ness” regardless of the circumstances of money in your life. That’s what propels you toward your money goals.
Even though I hit my financial goal for the year last week, it didn’t automatically help me feel “enough.” What a great reminder!
I wanted to share this reminder with you.
Thoughts that you are not enough are what keep you going back to porn.
Developing genuine belief that you are enough, just as you are (with or without porn), is what leads you to dropping porn.
There is Not Better Than Here.
Great resource: app called the Tapping Solution.
Combining this app with thought work, with self-coaching, and with 1:1 coaching is a magical combination.
Really, thought work works:
-I reached a financial goal this year that felt a bit impossible in 2019. Some people thought it was impossible in 2020 (pandemic).
-I also went off of my very last sleeping medication.
-I enjoy my life and my work more than ever.
-My relationship with myself is at a whole new level.
This affects other relationships positively.
I still have some very rough moments.
It is truly 50/50 before and after reaching goals. 50% positive/50% negative emotion.
But I’m getting intentional with that 50/50 in a way that has only enriched my life, led to further healing, and more purposeful living.
I’m experiencing an increase of love in my life. And it’s because I’m changing my mind.
The original greek word for “repentance” means to change your mind.
So when you find yourself saying:
“Porn is really the only thing in the way of my life being what I want it to be.”
You might be disappointed when you remove porn for a while, and then you realize your life still isn’t what you want it to be.
This is why a lot of guys go back to porn.
They white-knuckle (will power) their way through a stretch of abstinence, nothing changes, and if anything, life seems worse because they are doing it without their currently preferred buffer (porn).
But what if we start making your life experience what you want it to be right now?
Up front?
Here’s another thing that happens:
We like hanging on to this “fantasy solution” to our problems.
“Once I quit porn, everything will be better.”
We get a dopamine hit from it.
This creates an incentive to stay right where you’re at, and not fix the problem where it really starts (your mind).
Because if you fix it, and realize that things aren’t better, it could be devastating (or confusing).
So it gives us further reason to hang on to porn.
We get to hang on to this fantasy of how great everything will be once we fix our problem.
So instead of fixing it, we stay in it, and indulge in this fantasy of what life will be without it.
What if we drop that fantasy for a moment, get real, and do this in a more effective way.
A way based in reality.
The more you prefer fantasy over your real life experience, the more you will feel compelled to turn to things like porn (a fantasy).
Use imagination as a tool to reach your goals and not imagination as the end goal.
Balance Intentional Thinking & Allowing Feelings
So for me, part of what I’m working on is, maintaining that balance between feeling feelings and thought work.
Example:
I may still feel not enough at times.
My brain has practiced this A LOT.
Part of the time, I will write, self-coach, identify unhelpful existing thoughts, choose thoughts that serve me better.
The other part of the time, I want to practice just letting those feelings be there.
For whatever you are working on: I recommend you have a regular practice that balances between these two things.
- Allowing urges/feelings
- Believing on purpose. (Belief = thought you repeat)
Don't Create Deprivation For Yourself
You have access to every feeling you want in your life, right now.
Instead of withholding these feelings from yourself until you reach your goal, intentionally create more of those feelings right now to take you to your goal.
When feelings like self-acceptance, or self-love, become more habitual for you than feelings of guilt/shame/self-loathing, you will see a natural shift in the way you act toward things like porn.
You’ll act with more power.
Intentional Living
Dream what you can make your life. But don't stop there. And don't hold off on making your life what you want it to be until after you stop looking at porn. Start today making your life more what you want it to be.
Make room for discomfort in your plans.
Believe on purpose.
How good would your real life experience need to be for porn to become irrelevant?
Coaching can help you intentionally heal, enrich your life, and sustainably create.
Schedule a consult now to find out if 1:1 coaching is what you want for you.
