Staying Committed and Being Uncomfortable
Looking at porn is a quick, easy way to get a big dopamine hit that tricks our brains into thinking it accomplished something important to our survival.
Often times, when guys want to learn to stop looking at porn, they want to take this same approach.
Where's the magic pill that makes my desire for porn go away?
If I had it, I would have taken it years ago. And I'd be selling it for millions of dollars right now.
But if we use the same quick/easy approach in our efforts to quit porn, we'll just keep turning to porn.
To quit porn, you need to learn to play the long game. You need to be willing to let it get harder before it gets easier.
You need to be willing to:
- Feel uncomfortable AND
- Stay committed.
Let's talk about both of these.
The Skill of Being Uncomfortable
First of all, let's appreciate that part of your brain is designed to shy away from discomfort.
Also, many of us have learned to avoid negative emotions. We’ve even been taught this at times.
Before we start blaming and shaming, let’s recognize that someone taught the people who taught us too.
And now that you have an adult brain, the only person responsible for what you continue to believe/practice is you.
Some tough love there. But it’s love.
Allowing/processing negative emotions is a skill.
Learning this skill is crucial to achieving your long-term goals that will test you.
It’s so worth it. But why is it worth it?
Staying Committed. Why Are You Doing This?
Have you intentionally decided this yet? What is your WHY? Your compelling reason to stick with it. The thing that helps you stay committed when times get tough.
Why do you want to stop looking at porn?
You might think you already know why, but let’s get specific and intentional. I recommend writing it down.
Here are 2 things I recommend cutting out of your WHY:
1. The idea that you will feel way happier all the time once you reach your goal.
By removing something like porn from your life, you will experience some physiological benefits.
But with porn and without porn, before, after, and always, you will have positive emotions half the time and negative emotions half the time.
Make sure you incorporate this idea into your WHY.
Otherwise, when you go without porn for a stretch and realize that it's still 50/50, you'll go right back to porn.
That didn't make me feel better. May as well look at porn.
2. The idea that you will prove your worth, feel more worthy, or finally know that you are “enough.”
When you reach your goal, you will not magically feel “enough.” That pattern in your brain is a carrot on a stick.
Achieving more goals will not change this. It is motivating until you realize it doesn’t work. But then what?
Going 2 years without porn didn’t make me know I’m “enough,” may as well go back to porn.
When choosing your WHY, do it under the assumption that you are 100% worthy as a human, always have been, and always will be. No matter what you do or don’t do.
So what’s left to motivate me after this?
Exactly!
That’s what we want to tap in to.
Ask yourself why. Answer it. Then ask why again for that answer. Go 5-10 layers deep.
Go until you have something that you connect with in a deeply emotional way.
Once you find it,
The cool thing is you get to choose. It can be anything you want. Make it something that works.
Something that helps you maintain an epic level of commitment.
When you remind yourself of it, it helps drive you through the hard times.
There is a WHY that works for you. You just might not have found it yet. If it hasn’t worked yet, then you need to find/choose one that does.
Make mistakes along the way, but don’t stop until you get where you want to go.
Having a coach accelerates your growth.
I have a coach. It speeds everything up for me.
Think you might want a coach to help walk you through this process?
Let's talk.
