Talking to Your Kids About Porn: A Real-World Guide for Parents
Talking to Your Kids About Porn: A Real-World Guide for Parents
by Danny Poelman DDS, Life Coach
Quick Take
Hey there, awesome parent! Let’s face it—talking to your kids about pornography can feel like walking a tightrope. But guess what? You’re already doing an amazing job just by being here and wanting to have this conversation. This guide is all about keeping things real, supportive, and shame-free, so you can help your kids navigate this tricky topic with confidence and self-love.
Why This Matters
In today’s world, kids are exposed to all kinds of content online—some of it good, some of it not so much. Pornography is one of those things that can pop up, and it’s important to talk about it openly. This isn’t about giving a big scary lecture; it’s about having a heart-to-heart that leaves your child feeling empowered, not freaked out.
Start with Love, Not Fear
What’s the Big Idea? When talking to your kids about porn, the number one rule is to kick shame and fear to the curb. Seriously, they’ve got no place in this conversation. Why? Because when kids feel ashamed or scared, they’re less likely to open up or feel good about themselves. You want your child to feel safe and loved, no matter what.
How Do You Do That?
- Be Open and Chill: Keep the conversation casual and relaxed. This isn’t an interrogation—think of it more like a chat over ice cream.
- Empower Them: Let your child know that they have the power to make choices about what they watch and how they think about it. Porn doesn’t control them; they control their own thoughts and actions.
Science Backs This Up! Research by Dr. Brené Brown, a leading expert on shame (University of Houston), shows that when people feel ashamed, they’re more likely to hide their behavior and less likely to change it. On the flip side, when they feel accepted and supported, they’re more open to making positive changes. So, by removing shame from the conversation, you’re actually giving your child the best shot at making healthy choices.
Reframe Porn: It’s Not the Boss of Us
What’s the Big Idea? Let’s be real—porn is out there, but it doesn’t have to be this big, scary monster. The key is to help your child see porn for what it really is: just pictures and videos that don’t have any power over them unless they let it.
How Do You Do That?
- Put It in Perspective: Teach your child that porn is like sugar—a little bit might be tempting, but too much can mess with how their brain sees things. It’s about keeping it in check and not letting it become a big deal.
- Detach It from Self-Worth: Make sure your child knows that watching porn (or not) has nothing to do with their value as a person. Their worth is rock solid, no matter what.
Science Backs This Up! Dr. Donald Hilton, a neurosurgeon (University of Texas Health Science Center), has studied how the brain reacts to porn. His research shows that porn can create a "dopamine loop," where the brain starts to crave it more and more. But here’s the good news: when people understand this, they can break the loop and take back control. So, by teaching your child that they’re in charge, you’re helping them stay in control of their habits.
Navigating Religious and Cultural Stuff
What’s the Big Idea? If your family is part of a religious or cultural community that has strong views on sexuality, it’s important to help your child navigate those messages in a way that’s healthy and empowering.
How Do You Do That?
- Speak Up: If your child hears something at church or in your community that feels shaming or fear-based, don’t stay silent. Talk to them about it and give them a different perspective—one that’s loving and supportive.
- Reaffirm Their Authority: Let your child know that they are the boss of their own body and sexuality. No one else has the right to make them feel bad about it.
Science Backs This Up! Dr. Darrel Ray, a psychologist (University of Kansas), has done research on how religious guilt can affect sexual behavior. His findings suggest that guilt and fear-based teachings can lead to unhealthy sexual attitudes and behaviors. By countering these messages with love and acceptance, you’re helping your child develop a healthy relationship with their sexuality.
Tools for Teaching Self-Control
What’s the Big Idea? One of the best gifts you can give your child is the knowledge that they are in control of their habits. Whether it’s about porn, video games, or sweets, it’s all about balance and self-awareness.
How Do You Do That?
- Introduce the Concept of Buffering: Explain that sometimes we do things (like watch porn, eat junk food, or play video games) to avoid uncomfortable feelings. This is called buffering. It’s not bad, but it’s something to be aware of.
- Teach Self-Control: Help your child understand that they have the power to choose how much they engage in these activities. It’s all about doing what feels right for them and their values.
Science Backs This Up! Dr. Wendy Wood, a psychologist (University of Southern California), has researched how habits form. Her studies show that the more aware people are of their habits, the easier it is for them to change. By teaching your child to recognize when they’re buffering, you’re giving them the tools to make better choices.
Why It’s Okay to Wait: Protecting a Growing Brain
What’s the Big Idea? Your child’s brain is still growing and developing, especially during the teenage years. Because of that, it’s a good idea to limit their exposure to pornography until they’re older—ideally into their early 20s—when their brains are more fully developed and they’re better equipped to make informed decisions.
How Do You Do That?
- Have a Heart-to-Heart: Let your child know that this isn’t about “you can’t” or “you shouldn’t ever,” but more about giving their brain time to grow. Explain that waiting until they’re older to experiment (if they choose to) is a smart move for their mental and emotional health.
- Set Healthy Boundaries: Be open about using filters or monitoring tools on their devices—not as a way to control them, but to help them manage their exposure while they’re still growing. Tailor these tools to your child’s personality and needs, and explain that this is just part of helping them live their best life.
- Empower Through Information: Equip your child with the knowledge and ideas they need to make choices that align with their values and help them become the person they want to be. It’s all about setting them up for success, not restricting them out of fear.
- Personally, I recommend to my kids to do life without porn if possible. But I won’t draw such a hard-and-fast, life-long line. I can provide limitations while they are young, give my recommendation to them for when they’re older, and leave it open to them to choose what is best for them. Empowering and informing them while they are young.
Science Backs This Up! Studies show that the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and impulse control, isn’t fully developed until around age 25. This means that during the teenage years, the brain is more susceptible to developing unhealthy habits, including those related to pornography. By helping your child wait until they’re older, you’re giving their brain time to mature, which can lead to healthier habits in the long run. This aligns with findings from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) on adolescent brain development.
Masturbation (I Wish I Was Told This Before My First Orgasm)
What’s the Big Idea? Masturbation and pornography are often lumped together, but they’re two completely different things. Masturbation is a natural, healthy way for your child to connect with their own body, while pornography is a man-made, artificial stimulant. It’s crucial to help your child understand the difference and feel good about exploring their sexuality without shame.
How Do You Do That?
- No Shame in Self-Connection: Don’t tell your child that connecting with themselves sexually (aka masturbation) is bad. Instead, let them know that it’s a natural and healthy part of life. If your church or community teaches otherwise, be sure to correct this out loud and directly with your child when they’re at an appropriate age.
- Protect Their Authority: If your child is ever encouraged to talk to a church leader about their sexual behavior, it’s important to intervene or at the very least be present during the conversation and follow up. Having someone else—especially an authority figure—give input on your child’s sexuality can send the harmful message that they don’t have full control over their own body or sexuality. This can be damaging and create unnecessary guilt or shame.
- Affirm Their Goodness: Make sure your child knows that they are good, their sexuality is good, and exploring their own body is a positive thing (with information and safe limits). Reinforce that they have complete authority over their body and sexuality. Your role is to guide them, not to impose fear or shame.
Science Backs This Up! Studies have shown that positive sexual education—where children are taught that their bodies are good and that sexual exploration is normal—leads to healthier attitudes about sex in adulthood. Research published by the American Psychological Association (APA) indicates that children who receive open, positive messages about sexuality are more likely to develop a strong sense of self and make healthy sexual choices later in life.
Wrapping It All Up
You’ve got this! Talking to your kids about porn doesn’t have to be a nightmare. With love, openness, and a little bit of science, you can help them understand this topic in a way that’s healthy and empowering. Remember, it’s all about keeping the conversation real, shame-free, and full of love.
Important to Know: Even if your kid fell deep into a porn habit at a young age, and it lasted for years, they could learn and heal their way out of it. Brains can heal. Brains can change and unlearn and learn. So even if things don’t go as planned, your kid, when ready, as an adult will always have the option to learn a new way and learn to feel in complete control of how they interact with pornography (or not). That’s where Life Coaches like me come in. I’ve had clients in their 70s and 80s learn to change their habit that has lasted over 50 years.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, this guide is about making sure your child knows they’re in control of their own story. Porn is just one chapter, and with your support, they can write the rest with confidence and self-respect.
This guide is here to support you in being the incredible parent you already are. You’re doing amazing things by taking the time to have these conversations and empower your child for the future!
-Danny Poelman
Heal. Enrich. Create. Love.
Visit my website for more resources.
