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Porn/No Porn: Don't Like Your Options? Let's Get Clear

One time when I was feeling down, like really depressed, part of me thought "well, may as well look at porn."

So I mapped out my real options to the best of my current understanding. And I want to share it with you.

Options:

  • Suicide: I'm really not in to this idea. I thought about what it would be like the other day. But there’s a part of me that always wins out that wants to keep living. Why is that?
  • Be depressed and hide from my life, as much as I can: It’s so hard to hide from life though. I can’t really do it for long, or very well. Life still gets you even when you’re hiding from it with all your might.
  • Applicable definition: For those of you who don't know. To buffer means to try to change the way you feel internally with something external to you. In an effort to not feel the current feeling (whether a positive or negative feeling).
  • Be depressed and buffer: Porn. Tv. movies. Games. Screen time. So much screen time. Porn and masturbation is nice because it adds a bit of excitement (though short-lived), and, as long as I’m hiding from life, it’s more exciting than anything else I’ve got going on that allows me to “hide” at the same time. “I may as well” is what comes to mind. Isn’t porn the better option? Between porn and laying in bed hiding from life while doing nothing and feeling depressed. I was so depressed that I didn’t want to go to bed because I was dreading so much the next day starting. And I woke up early from that same dread, like “oh crap! It’s coming.” This actually woke me up abruptly from a pretty quiet/restful sleep.
  • Be depressed without buffering: so what do I do? Just lay there doing nothing? Just breathing and suffering. Feeling the weight of the world not only on me, bearing down, but also in me, like a black hole sucking all of me inward, pulling, crushing, on the verge of collapse. Part of me knows it always passes. Part of me knows that there is great beauty and peace around the corner. Part of me knows that this could be the verge of some next breakthrough, some new rebirth, like a phoenix completing it’s burning cycle in order to rise from the ashes once again. Is it worth it? When I know I’m going to burn again? I guess that’s the question.
  • Be depressed and have an urge for porn, that I let go unsatisfied (without actually looking at porn): On top of the depression. I get to feel that lack, the longing, the craving, like something is missing, and it is urgent that I go and get it. And it’s right in front of me, at the press of a button. Like a hunger. I know this passes. It would pass every time, without any porn, if I let it. It would even lessen over time if I let it pass. Is that worth it? That’s the question.

I didn't like my options.

Notes/thoughts/analysis:

My brain wants to keep my physical body alive. Part of it also fights to keep the current belief system intact.

My heart/spirit/soul holds that part of me that never dies. It is not as concerned with physical death, although it wants to protect me too.

So my brain keeps me alive and keeps the current approach intact which leads to this kind of suffering. Like, "let's for sure stay alive but let's not learn to suffer less because that would require changing our approach. Let's keep suffering because that way we don't have to change our approach." Is that some kind of joke? 

Where is the option where I get to look at porn when I want, without it affecting my brain, or self, or life, negatively? The option where it doesn’t zap all my dopamine for the day, so I can still be super motivated for everything else. Where I get to use it whenever I want without a net negative affect. Why can’t it have a net positive affect on my life?

Why can’t I feel good more of the time? Why can’t it come more naturally for me to be motivated about living my life? Am I missing something? Is something wrong with me? Is it easier for everyone else or does it just seem that way?

I can see why I sometimes perceive porn as the better option.

Especially if I know I can recover from the net negative effects in time for the next… the next... whatever.

If I don’t like my options, would it make sense to change them?

If so, which ones can I actually change? And which can I not change?

Porn has a net negative effect on my life: don’t think I can change that one.

Being physically alive: I can change this with suicide. Or I can persevere by staying alive as best as and as long as I can.

Being in pain: physical death is not a guarantee that all the pain will stop. I just don’t know that for sure. Pain is for sure a regular part of the deal while physically alive. And may or may not be part of the deal after physical death.

Depression: I can’t delete this one from my life forever. I can learn to feel it less, and feel other uncomfortable emotions instead more of the time. But can’t delete it. Can’t necessarily move on from it perfectly and immediately/easily every time I experience it, although I may be able to learn some new skill/approach here. 

Being spiritually alive (my heart, my spirit): can’t ever change that. I will always be alive on that level. That feels so daunting to me right now. Part of me wants it to just end. Or to take a break for a bit. End and come back after a while? But I don’t think I can do that.

Buffering: I can technically learn to choose how and when I buffer or don’t buffer. This part I can change.

The way I experience feelings without buffering: I can change this. Supposedly I can learn to embrace and enjoy this more than any of the buffering.

Be depressed with urges (for porn): I can change how this goes. Reacting to an urge (with porn) in response to depression rewards my brain (with buttloads of dopamine) for producing depression. It also rewards my brain for producing the urge for porn. Consequently, my brain will produce more frequent and more intense depression and urges in the future if I continue to reward this pathway. So I can change it by reacting (with porn) regularly and intensifying things. Or I can change it by not reacting to the urges with porn, and not reacting to depression with porn, and choosing/learning different thinking (thoughts create feelings) along the way. Or I can maintain some sort of middle ground if I time it right (I think I’ve done this at times?).

Summary of things I can change:

  • How I interact with uncomfortable feelings that arise. (Allow/process OR react/resist/avoid. Judgment or curiosity/compassion. Unintentional all the time or getting intentional as a regular practice).
  • Whether I am physically alive or not. (Suicide or stay alive as best as and as long as possible).
  • How and when I buffer. (Amount. type. False pleasure or natural pleasure.)
  • How much porn I look at. (unlimited. never. In between).
  • How I feel feelings without buffering. (embrace/enjoy/accept/engage with OR misery/resistance/suffering/fear/hide)
  • The amount and frequency of urges for porn that I experience. (Allow urges without reacting and decrease OR react regularly and increase. Or maintain something in between.)
  • The amount and frequency of depression that I habitually experience. (Allow/process and get intentional practicing new thinking OR keep things the same without getting intentional OR reward depression for being there with dopamine from porn OR don’t reward depression for being there.).
  • I can change my thinking and therefore my feelings. Even though the brain is designed to initially resist change, it can change. That's neuroplasticity. Look it up. It's a real thing.

 

I don’t like my options.

But I think these are the real options, as they exist in reality.

So do I want to whine about the options not being what I like?

Or do I want to embrace them and make the most of it?

How do I embrace my real options and make the most of it?

If I embrace them, the answer seems pretty clear.

So there you go. That's where I was in that moment.


Learning to want your life without porn more than your life with porn, requires that we learn to embrace, and even love, these options. The real options.

That's what I show guys how to do.

What would your life experience need to be in order for porn to become completely irrelevant?

If you can relate to this and you're ready for a change, sign up for a free consult now and let's do this.

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