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Our Story. Pornography, Marriage, Success, and Healing. Part 4 of 8: Mental Illness (continued)

Note: This is a series of posts that were originally uploaded on my old website which is no longer live. I wanted to share it here, so that all of you can find value in our story. This is part 4 of that story. 

His

My shaky hands got worse, not better. I could not work. Would I ever be able to practice dentistry again? All that school/training/money. Even if my hands did stop shaking, my anxiety was so out of control that I could barely leave the house. I could barely interact with Lindsay and the kids, let alone another person.

I had struggled with occasional suicidal thoughts for years at this point. But now they were really regular. I never got serious about planning or attempting. But would have the idea pop in my mind. Then I’d beat myself up for even thinking it.

I would go into deep depressions, feeling helpless and out of control and like there was no way this could ever get better. If I felt good, I would sabotage myself thinking it would slip away at any minute....

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Our Story. Pornography, Marriage, Success, and Healing. Part 2 of 8: Telling Her

Note: This is a series of posts that were originally uploaded on my old website which is no longer live. I wanted to share it here, so that all of you can find value in our story. This is part 2 of that story. 

His: Telling Her

I thought I could just figure out how to stop on my own and Linz wouldn’t need to know. It made her so upset that one time; I wasn’t going to put her through that again. And I’ve heard all of her comments through the years about other husbands who have struggled with pornography. I knew she disapproved, didn’t understand, thought divorce was justified sometimes, was disgusted.

I’ve been successful at so many other things in my life, I’ll be successful at this. As true as that may be, approaching it alone, the same way, over and over, was giving me the same results. I thought I was going to hell. I thought I wouldn’t be with my family in heaven.

I met with my bishop and lied to Lindsay about what it was for....

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Our Story. Pornography, Marriage, Success, and Healing. Part 1 of 8: Early Marriage

Note: This is a series of posts that were originally uploaded on my old website which is no longer live. I wanted to share it here, so that all of you can find value in our story. This is part 1 of that story. 

Linz and I are doing an 8 part series of posts describing how pornography has affected me, her, and our marriage and how we have found success and healing. Our marriage is now better than it ever has been before.

Each post will have a:

  1. His,
  2. Her, &
  3. Our perspective

Our: How We Met

We met volunteering for a non-profit in Thailand in 2005. See this picture? It actually was snapped the day we met! We enjoyed being around eachother from the beginning, even in a 3rd world country doing manual labor all day every day. Danny had cheesy jokes and Lindsay had worms in her legs. It was a good sign that we could do anything together and love each other all the way through. We haven’t stopped wanting to be together since. We got married 10 months later with plans to...

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Porn/No Porn: Don't Like Your Options? Let's Get Clear

One time when I was feeling down, like really depressed, part of me thought "well, may as well look at porn."

So I mapped out my real options to the best of my current understanding. And I want to share it with you.

Options:

  • Suicide: I'm really not in to this idea. I thought about what it would be like the other day. But there’s a part of me that always wins out that wants to keep living. Why is that?
  • Be depressed and hide from my life, as much as I can: It’s so hard to hide from life though. I can’t really do it for long, or very well. Life still gets you even when you’re hiding from it with all your might.
  • Applicable definition: For those of you who don't know. To buffer means to try to change the way you feel internally with something external to you. In an effort to not feel the current feeling (whether a positive or negative feeling).
  • Be depressed and buffer: Porn. Tv. movies. Games. Screen time. So much screen time. Porn and masturbation is nice...
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