Note: This is a series of posts that were originally uploaded on my old website which is no longer live. I wanted to share it here, so that all of you can find value in our story. This is part 6 of that story. 

His: Addict or Not?

Lindsay started working. That it had come to this was completely unacceptable in my mind. I should be the one providing. That was the plan. That’s what The Family: A Proclamation to the World says (at least that’s how I interpreted it). That’s what I promised her. I’m a failure, I thought.

I struggled with this. And even though I started including Lindsay in my struggle, and was receiving all this help, I still resorted to porn at times. Less frequently, but I still struggled to find success with this.

One therapist early on told me I wasn’t an addict. I was so relieved. But wasn’t getting the help I needed. Later on, a different therapist told me I was an addict. I tried this hat on for a while.

Eventually I...

One time when I was feeling down, like really depressed, part of me thought "well, may as well look at porn."

So I mapped out my real options to the best of my current understanding. And I want to share it with you.

Options:

• Suicide: I'm really not in to this idea. I thought about what it would be like the other day. But there’s a part of me that always wins out that wants to keep living. Why is that?
• Be depressed and hide from my life, as much as I can: It’s so hard to hide from life though. I can’t really do it for long, or very well. Life still gets you even when you’re hiding from it with all your might.
• Applicable definition: For those of you who don't know. To buffer means to try to change the way you feel internally with something external to you. In an effort to not feel the current feeling (whether a positive or negative feeling).
• Be depressed and buffer: Porn. Tv. movies. Games. Screen time. So much screen time. Porn and masturbation is nice...