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Our Story. Pornography, Marriage, Success, and Healing. Part 4 of 8: Mental Illness (continued)

Note: This is a series of posts that were originally uploaded on my old website which is no longer live. I wanted to share it here, so that all of you can find value in our story. This is part 4 of that story. 

His

My shaky hands got worse, not better. I could not work. Would I ever be able to practice dentistry again? All that school/training/money. Even if my hands did stop shaking, my anxiety was so out of control that I could barely leave the house. I could barely interact with Lindsay and the kids, let alone another person.

I had struggled with occasional suicidal thoughts for years at this point. But now they were really regular. I never got serious about planning or attempting. But would have the idea pop in my mind. Then I’d beat myself up for even thinking it.

I would go into deep depressions, feeling helpless and out of control and like there was no way this could ever get better. If I felt good, I would sabotage myself thinking it would slip away at any minute....

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Our Story. Pornography, Marriage, Success, and Healing. Part 3 of 8: Mental Illness

Note: This is a series of posts that were originally uploaded on my old website which is no longer live. I wanted to share it here, so that all of you can find value in our story. This is part 2 of that story. 

 

His: Mental Illness

The week after telling Linz about my problem with pornography, I had a full on panic attack. I saw a doctor to help with my anxiety. He gave me medication. I met with a therapist. I never knew that my emotional health was out of wack and could be affecting my life the way it was.

My hands had been getting progressively shakier for months (very intermittently, never during a dental procedure). I had been able to do my work as a dentist. But the way my hands were that day, I knew I couldn’t work. I immediately cancelled the rest of my appointments for the day and went home. This terrified me.

My sleep had been getting worse for years. I started trying to learn to connect with my emotions better. Turns out I was feeling some level of anxiety...

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Our Story. Pornography, Marriage, Success, and Healing. Part 2 of 8: Telling Her

Note: This is a series of posts that were originally uploaded on my old website which is no longer live. I wanted to share it here, so that all of you can find value in our story. This is part 2 of that story. 

His: Telling Her

I thought I could just figure out how to stop on my own and Linz wouldn’t need to know. It made her so upset that one time; I wasn’t going to put her through that again. And I’ve heard all of her comments through the years about other husbands who have struggled with pornography. I knew she disapproved, didn’t understand, thought divorce was justified sometimes, was disgusted.

I’ve been successful at so many other things in my life, I’ll be successful at this. As true as that may be, approaching it alone, the same way, over and over, was giving me the same results. I thought I was going to hell. I thought I wouldn’t be with my family in heaven.

I met with my bishop and lied to Lindsay about what it was for....

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More Authentic to the Real (Inner) You

More Authentic to the Real (Inner) You

Some people think porn is freedom.

Some resort to porn when the rest of their life feels like it’s trapping them.

As though porn gets you out of the cage.

And if you don’t do it, you are surely missing out on something.

 

But what about that voice inside of you?

You know the one.

It’s your intuition (call it what you want)

 

That voice that says:

“I think I am missing out on something much bigger than I can even imagine right now.

There is something more, something greater, here.

Something that is more authentic to the real me.

Something that honors my truth.

Something that unleashes my genuine side, allowing me to pursue my highest self.

Something that truly would set me free.”

 

If your intuition is telling you this, are you willing to believe it right now, in this moment?

What is it costing you to not believe it?

Ask yourself:

How much longer am I willing to experience this pain and uncertainty...

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