My shaky hands got worse, not better. I could not work. Would I ever be able to practice dentistry again? All that school/training/money. Even if my hands did stop shaking, my anxiety was so out of control that I could barely leave the house. I could barely interact with Lindsay and the kids, let alone another person.
I had struggled with occasional suicidal thoughts for years at this point. But now they were really regular. I never got serious about planning or attempting. But would have the idea pop in my mind. Then I’d beat myself up for even thinking it.
I would go into deep depressions, feeling helpless and out of control and like there was no way this could ever get better. If I felt good, I would sabotage myself thinking it would slip away at any minute....
Some people think porn is freedom.
Some resort to porn when the rest of their life feels like it’s trapping them.
As though porn gets you out of the cage.
And if you don’t do it, you are surely missing out on something.
But what about that voice inside of you?
You know the one.
It’s your intuition (call it what you want)
That voice that says:
“I think I am missing out on something much bigger than I can even imagine right now.
There is something more, something greater, here.
Something that is more authentic to the real me.
Something that honors my truth.
Something that unleashes my genuine side, allowing me to pursue my highest self.
Something that truly would set me free.”
If your intuition is telling you this, are you willing to believe it right now, in this moment?
What is it costing you to not believe it?
How much longer am I willing to experience this pain and uncertainty...