Note: This is a series of posts that were originally uploaded on my old website which is no longer live. I wanted to share it here, so that all of you can find value in our story. This is part 1 of that story. 

Linz and I are doing an 8 part series of posts describing how pornography has affected me, her, and our marriage and how we have found success and healing. Our marriage is now better than it ever has been before.

Each post will have a:

1. His,
2. Her, &
3. Our perspective

Our: How We Met

We met volunteering for a non-profit in Thailand in 2005. See this picture? It actually was snapped the day we met! We enjoyed being around eachother from the beginning, even in a 3rd world country doing manual labor all day every day. Danny had cheesy jokes and Lindsay had worms in her legs. It was a good sign that we could do anything together and love each other all the way through. We haven’t stopped wanting to be together since. We got married 10 months later with plans to...

I am sure we have all had those thoughts pop into our head one time or another. Thoughts like, I should have figured this out by now. That I should already know how to do this like other people. That this really shouldn’t still be a problem for me.

I remember feeling terrible. These thoughts made it so hard to do anything useful in the moment, and it definitely didn't help me change my habits. They didn't promote growth, or happiness. They didn't help me be curious and present to my life and the world around me. 

If anything, these thoughts were a hindrance. They slowed my learning and my progress. They lowered my self esteem, and they did not serve me. 

So I decided to make a change for myself. I started trying to think new thoughts.

I thought, there’s no such thing as being “behind.” That I’m right where I’m meant to be in my progress.

I was kinder to myself, and my thoughts were kind to me.

And I felt better.

I felt more motivated and...

More Authentic to the Real (Inner) You

Some people think porn is freedom.

Some resort to porn when the rest of their life feels like it’s trapping them.

As though porn gets you out of the cage.

And if you don’t do it, you are surely missing out on something.

But what about that voice inside of you?

You know the one.

It’s your intuition (call it what you want)

That voice that says:

“I think I am missing out on something much bigger than I can even imagine right now.

There is something more, something greater, here.

Something that is more authentic to the real me.

Something that honors my truth.

Something that unleashes my genuine side, allowing me to pursue my highest self.

Something that truly would set me free.”

If your intuition is telling you this, are you willing to believe it right now, in this moment?

What is it costing you to not believe it?

Ask yourself:

How much longer am I willing to experience this pain and uncertainty...

One time when I was feeling down, like really depressed, part of me thought "well, may as well look at porn."

So I mapped out my real options to the best of my current understanding. And I want to share it with you.

Options:

• Suicide: I'm really not in to this idea. I thought about what it would be like the other day. But there’s a part of me that always wins out that wants to keep living. Why is that?
• Be depressed and hide from my life, as much as I can: It’s so hard to hide from life though. I can’t really do it for long, or very well. Life still gets you even when you’re hiding from it with all your might.
• Applicable definition: For those of you who don't know. To buffer means to try to change the way you feel internally with something external to you. In an effort to not feel the current feeling (whether a positive or negative feeling).
• Be depressed and buffer: Porn. Tv. movies. Games. Screen time. So much screen time. Porn and masturbation is nice...

You'll Want to Be a Part of This

The Vision (What's Coming)

That all men will have the tools to change and shape their minds to create whatever results they want, with unlimited possibility.

That all men will have the amount of control they want to have when it comes to their habits (porn).

That men will see and understand how much more satisfying, enriching, and sustaining life can be without false pleasures (porn).

That learning to control your habits (porn) becomes a rite of passage for men.

That no matter how loud the opposition (porn industry) screams, no matter how much they give away, men will know that they themselves have the power. And that porn itself (false pleasures) has no power.

That when men hear the word “pornography,” rather than be filled with shame/regret/embarrassment/avoidance, their bodies will experience sweeping feelings of pride, power, gratitude, confidence, love, strength, openness, and resolve.

That all who choose to will become the experts...

Everything you could ever possibly want, have, or need is available inside of you.

When part of you wants porn, it’s not about the porn.

When you understand how to solve those same problems that you thought porn “solved”, but solve them without porn, porn is no longer “needed”.

When we use porn to address our problems, it leaves us worse off.

In the long run, using porn as the “solution” creates other problems.

There’s a better solution available to you. 

And it it’s available inside of you.

A solution that actually leaves you better off than before.

A solution that is sustainable in the long run.

If this sounds new, or weird, to you, that's a good thing.

Familiar gets you more of the same results.

New and weird gets you new results.

You’re not broken.

Your machinery is fine.

You are powerful.

The power is already built in.

It’s just a matter of accessing it.

Are you ready to learn how?

How good would your real...

If an urge comes and all you do is resist it, your willpower will deplete. Then you will end up looking at porn and rewarding your brain for this pattern. The same thing over and again.

Urge comes -> resist with willpower -> willpower runs out -> give in to urge (look at porn) -> reward yourself for resisting the urge.

It doesn’t work in the long run.

I love basketball. I love to watch it, play it, talk about it. Whether they’re good or bad, I watch most of the Utah Jazz games, and have for years. I am truly an all-weather fan.

So I’m going to use a basketball metaphor to help teach about managing urges in a way that is effective in the long run.

A Basketball Metaphor

Posting Up

In basketball, there is something called posting up. When you post up you are on offense, you have the ball in your hands, you have your back to the basket, and you are close to the basket.

There are several options from posting up that can put you in a good position to...

Money goals are like porn goals.

I'm sharing with you some lessons I took from 2020.

Our relationship with money has everything to do with our thoughts about money.

I hired a coach to work on money beliefs in a big way in 2020.

Have you ever thought:

“Once I make $X amount of money, I’ll be enough.”

“Once I have $X amount of savings, I’ll be enough.”

“Once I am out of student loan debt, I’ll be enough.”

“Once I grow my business to $X in a year, I’ll be enough.”

We do this with porn too:

“Once I stop looking at porn, I’ll be enough.”

“Once he stops looking at porn, I’ll be enough.”

We got this backwards. With money and porn.

Developing the belief in your “enough-ness” regardless of the circumstances of money in your life. That’s what propels you toward your money goals.

Even though I hit my financial goal for the year last week, it didn’t...

Many people turn to things like porn when they aren't managing their emotions.

And the holidays, for many of us, give people plenty of opportunities to either manage or not manage their emotions.

Not because the holidays cause feelings. Not because our family members have the power to cause feelings in us.

Because feelings are caused by thoughts. Our own thoughts.

And because many of us have all sorts of thoughts about holidays.

Some of them are helpful thoughts. Others not so much. But all of them are human thoughts.

Holidays used to be very triggering for me.

There were a few years of anniversaries and valentine's days where I just didn't do anything.

The expectations, that I thought came from other people but ultimately came from my own mind. I thought they were too much for me to handle.

And Christmas time? Trying to get through all that, keeping everybody happy and enjoying myself? Forget it. It felt impossible.

I would often look at porn during these times, or in...

(See accompanying podcast Episode 48: Four Things to Know When He's Looking at Porn)

When us guys look at porn, our wives often take it very personally.

Believe it or not, her reaction is not your fault. You might think this idea is cold and uncaring. But it’s the opposite.

Owning your stuff and letting her own hers is one of the most caring things you can do for you, for her, and for your marriage. Even if part of that means, she’s very upset.

When you tell her you’ve been looking at porn, she might take it very personally.

She might make it mean:

• He wouldn’t need that if I was enough.
• If I put out more, he wouldn’t turn to porn.
• Maybe I don’t look good enough to him for him to stay interested.

She might think it is her fault in some ways.

The way she experiences her natural reaction, she might feel like she’s going a little crazy.

When you don’t change immediately, and just swear off porn for good (we all know it’s not quite...