Motivation and Less Susceptible to Porn

Uncategorized Jul 10, 2020

What do you use most to motivate your productivity?

Is it guilt?

Is it "being behind"?

Is it not-enoughness?

Is it trying to prove your worth? (meaning, you don't let yourself feel worthy now).

 

For me, it's often the carrot on a stick thing. Continual dissatisfaction.

So I create dissatisfaction in my mind, then I try to get away from it by being productive.

 

These things work and they don't.

They help us get things done to a certain extent. That's why we do them.

But they might accidentally be making you more susceptible to porn. Even creating an incentive for you to look at porn.

Not to mention, they can really zap the fun out of just about anything.

 

What if there's something better?

What if you could feel better AND get more done in less time?

What if you could enjoy the process more?

What if you could make yourself that much less susceptible to porn? 


 Want to try something new?

Let's talk.

Find out more.

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5-Step Process to Make Sure You're Progressing

Uncategorized Jul 02, 2020

Guys come to me all the time worried that they aren't progressing:

  • sustainably
  • in the way they want to
  • fast enough
  • at all
  • Or everything is just getting worse

If you are here reading this, progress is probably important to you.

Here is a 5-step process to ensure that you are progressing:

  1. Choose your goal
  2. Choose your system
  3. Trust your current system
  4. Evaluate/adjust System as Needed
  5. Play the long game

1. Choose Your Goal

Most of us know how to choose a specific, measurable goal at this point.

Example Goal: Learn to not look at porn for (X amount of time).

If you feel like part of you wants this goal and part of you doesn't, that means your brain is working perfectly.

Even if there is only part of you that wants this goal, it is still coming from you.

2. Deliberately Choose Your System

It's one thing to have a goal. It's another to have a system.

A system is the process you are using to reach that goal.

Choose one that can get you incremental changes over time.

A coach I like...

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Recipe For Making a Decision That Gets You New Results

Uncategorized Jun 26, 2020

 Careful, you might have a bit of a brain-gasm with this one. (I heard that term recently, it made me laugh).

When thinking about your goal to stop looking at porn, do you find yourself thinking:

"This might not be possible."

I've thought it at so many points along the way.

I'm guessing you've practiced this one a lot yourself.

You Are Not the Only One

So I tell guys it's possible and even show them testimonials of how this process works. Then they say:

"That works for other people, but not for me."

I hear this one from almost every guy that comes to me for help. Does that tell you something?

Did you think you were the only one that things didn't work for? I don't know if you'll be disappointed or relieved to hear this, but you're not.

Because there are loads of people walking around saying the exact same thing to themselves.

I used to be one of them.

What I didn't know at first is that this kind of belief is optional.

If so, what's the upside to thinking this?

The only...

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What You Deserve

Uncategorized Jun 19, 2020

Sex is like eating.

There's a way to do it that contributes to your survival and the survival of the human race.

It is pleasurable.

You can do it in a way to just "get the job done". (ie, eating for fuel, or trying for a baby).

You can do it in ways where pleasure is the end goal.

You can get the job done AND experience pleasure at the same time.

All of this is by design.

Pleasure (dopamine) is meant to motivate us to, at the very least, survive and reproduce.

Pick Your Poison

You can also do sex or eating in ways that are poisonous to your body and brain. In ways that do not contribute to survival. (ie, overeating sugar, porn).

Pleasure also accompanies some poisonous approaches to sex and eating.

 

Although I don't believe in fear tactics or trying to shame people in to changing, I do believe porn is poisonous to my brain.

And, yes, there is more and more research coming out about this. (Check out the website, Your Brain On Porn, for more information on this)

 ...

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How Guilt is Affecting You and Why Feel Less of It

Uncategorized Jun 12, 2020

Feelings (emotions) drive your actions more than you know.

Guilt is a feeling.

In our brains, guilt does not come from the action of looking at porn.

It actually works like this

First: you look at porn.

Second: you have a thought like "I did something wrong".

Third: you feel guilty

Assumptions About Guilt

Some people believe they are "supposed to" feel guilty if they look at porn. I used to be one of them.

I used to be worried that if I don't feel guilty about looking at porn, then it will become a free-for-all and I'll go on a porn-spree, binging and throwing caution to the wind.

This simply is not true.

I used to believe that it will go over better with my wife if I feel guilty in our conversations about it.

Even if this is true in some relationships (some partners look for this/expect it), it doesn't mean it is helpful in attaining your goals.

I thought feeling guilty for not keeping commitments to myself would help.

While the pain of guilt helped me want a change, it didn't help...

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What Would it Be Like to Trust Yourself in Any Situation?

Uncategorized Jun 05, 2020

What Would It Be Like to Trust Yourself to:

  • follow through
  • keep commitments to yourself/others
  • learn/progress
  • make changes
  • be truthful/reliable
  • have self-control (even amidst urges)

What Would It Be Like to Trust Yourself In:

  • times that you are alone
  • social settings
  • family relationships
  • work situations
  • a crisis/emergency
  • failure
  • success
  • good times and bad times
  • your spirituality

That's all.

What would it be like?

Please message me and let me know what your response is to this question.


 If you want to build trust with yourself, let's talk.

I'll show you how.

 

Click here to schedule.

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Hustle-Porn and Conversation With My Future Self

Uncategorized May 29, 2020

I've been working on enjoying my life more lately. Enjoying the good and the bad, the positive feelings and the negative.

I got really good at zapping the fun out of things, thinking seriousness was necessary to not only get the job done, but also to do it well.

I was always good at hustling.

Not the kind of hustling where you swindle people out of money. The kind where your basketball coach would say something like "Great hustle Poelman!"

I started thinking that to do a good job, you had to really bring that intense energy. Not just 100% but 110%, right?

Over-Hustling

But it turns out you can over-hustle.

I sometimes find myself in such a hurry to get the job done that I don't take the time to stop and plan out how to get the job done well. I don't take the time to enjoy the process.

"There's no time for that. I just need to get it done." So I dive in.

Hustle Porn

I've heard this referred to as Hustle Porn. That term makes me laugh.

I get in such a hurry for the end result...

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Why Go Porn Free?

Uncategorized May 22, 2020

Good and Bad News!

Lots of guys want to stop looking at porn to become more worthy or lovable.

Well, guess what, you can't. You are 100% lovable just the way you are.

So if your reason for going porn free is to be more worthy, it won't work.

The Increased Happiness Doesn't Come From the Absence of Porn

Many guys think they'll be happier by going porn free.

Guess what, it doesn't quite work that way.

Your emotional experience is 50/50 (50% positive and 50% negative) with porn and 50/50 without porn.

This doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's just important to know up front.

If you've white-knuckled your way to weeks or months of sobriety without doing anything to adjust your mindset, you may have spiraled back in to porn because you're thinking:

"What's the use! It doesn't make me feel any better to go without porn."

Don't Go Into It Unarmed

My life and my clients' lives have much more happiness in them without porn, but it's not because of the lack of porn. It is because of the...

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Feeling Bored Really IS Better Than Looking at Porn

Uncategorized May 15, 2020
Imagine: You just sat down to relax. You have no more "pressing responsibilities" to complete at the moment. You're bored. No one is around.
 
Question: Is porn more exciting than boredom?
 
A lot of us might think "This is a no-brainer! Porn is way more exciting than boredom."
 
Although porn is stimulating and momentarily alters our body chemistry in a pleasurable way, I'm going to explain to you why boredom is actually more exciting than porn.

First, Let's Appreciate That...

An activity like porn, particularly with masturbation, is really appealing to the lower, unconscious brain.
 
The lower part of your brain is wired to:
  1. seek pleasure
  2. avoid pain
  3. and be energy efficient.

The lower brain is all about survival.

It literally thinks that porn is something that will increase your chances of not dying.

1. Pleasure

Sure, porn "feels nice" in a way. That's a big part of why we do it, right?
 
That concentrated hit of dopamine, the neurotransmitter...
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Fear of Failure

Uncategorized May 08, 2020

If you want a change, you need to be willing to fail.

All failing really means is that something didn't go as we expected it to go.

Fear of failure is likely to come up when we:

  • Set a new goal
  • Try to grow in some way
  • Attempt to make a change
  • Are thrust into change

When fear of failure comes up, we get to decide whether we are going to:

Continue to go for what we really want.

Or...

just try to keep coasting.

In short, if you want to succeed, you need to fail, a lot.

"But Coasting Sounds Better"

Fear of failure can make coasting seem very appealing. We naturally think the uncomfortable feelings come from the goal itself.

So we think that moving away from the goal gets rid of those feelings.

Coasting will still be 50% comfortable and 50% uncomfortable. It will be 50/50 before, after, and on the way to reaching your goal.

The discomfort from coasting, in my opinion, is worse than the discomfort from intentional growth.

The Discomfort Doesn't Come From Your Goal

The uncomfortable...

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