Overusing pornography has to do with buffering.
Buffering is to use something external to try to change how we feel internally. In other words, trying to escape uncomfortable feelings.Â
It’s the perfect solution for an overstimulated society.
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Many of us live inside a disregulated body and a racing mind. This is the result of compounding stress and trauma that leads to overstimulation.
Our culture doesn’t understand the nervous system. This just becomes our normal.
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A majority of adults didn’t learn how to self soothe.
Self soothing is learned in our developmental years.Â
These developmental years play the groundwork for how we cope with uncomfortable emotions and stress as adults.Â
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Porn becomes a normalized way of coping because it:
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Okay, we’re talking about:
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And even if you’ve heard of Pavlov’s Dogs before, I’m going to share with you a twist that a lot of you maybe haven’t heard.
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This is a famous experiment that you’ll find in a lot of college text books, especially psychology books.
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Pavlov is the name of a scientist who did this experiment with some dogs.
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It’s about conditioned, or learned, behavior in the brains of dogs.
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Side note: as humans, a simple way to think about it is that we have 2 parts of our brain involved:Â
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The Steps of the Experiment
You are not your porn habit.
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You can be worthy and view porn at the same time.
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You can be whole and complete and view porn at the same time.
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Who you truly are is something pornography cannot diminish or touch.
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Porn is something you’ve experienced. It is not you.
If it is not you, then what does that mean for you?
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It means:Â
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You are forever. Porn is not.
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You are always expanding and growing. Porn just sits there.
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Your joy and worthiness can coexist with pornography.
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It’s easier to let go of porn when you stop attaching it to your joy and worthiness.
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If you are infinite and porn is just a temporary thing. What do you want your life to be?
What do you want your experience with (or without) porn to be from here on out?
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You have a brain, but you are ...
Are you the kind of person who keeps trying the same thing expecting different results?
Or are you the kind of person willing to take decisive new action, with new inputs that lead to new results?
Your habits, your feelings, your behavior, your results,Â
It all starts with learned thought patterns.
If you don’t learn new thinking, then at Christmas 2024:
When I say to use Thought Work to learn new thinking,
Some people think this just means to stop thinking about porn whenever you notice thoughts about porn. Â
No. This is not what I mean.
For new results/behavior, you’ll need to change the way (the manner in which) you think about porn.
You’ll need to change your thinking around several subjects, including:Â
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“One does not accumulate but eliminate. It is not daily increase but daily decrease. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity.” -Bruce Lee
“Perfection is not when there is no more to add, but no more to take away.” -Antoine de Sainte Exulpery, Pioneer of international postal flight, and author of Le Petit Prince (the little prince)
“It is vain to do with more what can be done with less.” - William of Occam, originator of Occam’s razor
A lot of the guys who come to me for coaching, are smart, driven guys. They try hard. laziness is not their problem.Â
A lot of them are very productive guys, or at least strive for productivity.
The hustle and the value of productivity aren’t bad, but the way they are expressed can get in the way of you learning to quit porn for good.
Remember, it’s not a porn problem, but a mind management problem.
Don’t try to solve your porn problem by starting with eliminating pleasure and self-care. It doesn’t work.
Busy-ness is one of the best thi...
First, clarify the results you are aiming for. What results are you creating by utilizing your current strategy?
Second, use all your best judgment and knowledge to this point to choose your strategy.
Third, while utilizing your strategy, along the way ask this question: “If I know that the results I want are happening, how do I approach this moment?”
Fourth, decide a time frame to utilize your strategy before you evaluate how it’s going (don’t do any evaluating or 2nd guessing unless it is the scheduled evaluation time)
Fifth, evaluate along the way, but not in reaction to your brain freaking out. Plan when you will evaluate, and release it when your brain wants to evaluate during the unscheduled time.
It’s time to decide to let yourself have the experience of doing “enough” along the way to reaching your goals.
This approach will help you move toward creating the results you want way more powerfully than 2nd-guessing yourself the entire way through whenever your brain feels lik...
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I teach guys powerful, useable, practical, hands-on tools for managing their mind.
Some of those tools include:
Why is managing your mind important?
Because thoughts create results.
A lot of my clients first learn about these powerful mind-management tools because they have a porn habit that they want to quit, once and for all - FOR GOOD.
So they practice with the mind-management tools and see that it helps (very effectively) with their initial problem.
Sometimes, they begin to attach the “need” for using these tools to whether or not they looked at porn recently.
This can be problematic. Why?
For a few reasons.
First, the pattern can look like this.Â
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